It is forbidden for an Aqualitor, someone familiar with The Rules, to knowingly assist another paddler to breach them... unless it's a matter of safety. Safety always trumps The Rules, whether you're a barnacle or a frother.

No matter how good you think you are, the ocean is better. Anyone who says otherwise will soon be humbled by a bombie. Respect must be paid to all waters - from nuclear conditions to duck farts.

It is, absolutely, without question, unequivocally, about your vessel - be it surfski, OC, va'a, or dragon boat. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a pond paddler.

Free your mind and your technique will follow. Your mind is your worst enemy in technical conditions. Do all your thinking before you leave the beach. Once you're through the break, wrap yourself in the sensations - the smell of salt, the sound of runners, the feeling of flight as your craft links waves.

Unlike cycling's Rule #5 about hardening up, our ultimate rule is safety. PFDs and leashes are not optional. Your float plan is sacred. You can't paddle if you're dead, and rescue beers are expensive.

Your vessel must be maintained with reverence. Your rudder cables shall be properly tensioned, your bailer clear, your venturi clean. A loose cable slapping inside your hull brings shame upon your ancestors.

A clean remount is the mark of a true Aqualitor. Side saddle or cowboy, your technique must be swift and graceful. Taking more than three seconds in flat water marks you as a kook. Practice until your remounts are smoother than your excuses.

Period. Flat water paddling is a luxury reserved for Sunday arvo coffee runs. Those who paddle in foul weather – be it nuclear, washing machine, or liquid himalayas – are members of a special club who, upon checking multiple weather apps and seeing carnage predicted, allow a wry smile to spread across their face.

Unsolicited technique advice shall only be given when: • The recipient is about to die • They're using their paddle backwards • They've specifically begged for help • They're a close friend who won't punch you

While the minimum number one should own is two (stable and tippy), the correct number is n+1, where n is the number currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of skis owned that would result in separation from your partner. Storage location hierarchy must be observed.

The ritual of checking multiple weather apps is mandatory. However, trusting any single forecast completely marks you as a novice. True masters know:

• Wind apps lie

• Swell apps deceive

• The best conditions come when you're at work

• If three apps agree, they're all wrong

Swimming mandates the sacred consumption of the Bootie Beer. Additionally:

• A rescue beer must be provided to your savior

• The incident must be recounted at the post-paddle coffee

• Each retelling may grow slightly in wave height

• Photographic evidence of the swim may only be shared with consent

When catching runners:

• The paddler on the wave has right of way

• Wave hogging shall result in paddling purgatory

• Linking waves earns respect

• One Lipp is worth a thousand paddle strokes

• Wallowing shall not be mocked (publicly)

Condition descriptions shall be accurate:

• Nuclear = legitimately huge

• Washing Machine = confused seas from multiple directions

• Victory at Sea = survival conditions

• Duck Farts = flat shame

• Glass = time to practice technique

Greet fellow paddlers appropriately by region:

• 'Aloha' in the Pacific

• 'Yebo' in South Africa

• 'G'day' in Australia/NZ

• 'Bru/Brah/Bruh' as locally appropriate

• When in doubt, a knowing nod will suffice

Post-paddle coffee stops are mandatory. Discussion topics shall follow strict hierarchy:

• Wave height analysis (increasing with each retelling)

• Wind speed debate (minimum three opinions)

• Equipment comparisons (subtle bragging permitted)

• Next paddle planning (while still soaking wet)

• Beta spray (only after second coffee)

Your technique should be:

• Catch as silent as a platypus diving

• Exit clean enough to not disturb sleeping seabirds

• Recovery smooth enough to shame silk

• Power phase strong enough to impress barnacles

The ritual of car shuffling for a downwinder must be performed with military precision:

• Keys must never be forgotten

• Shuttle timing must be exact

• 'One more run' calculations must include retrieval time

• All participants must return to correct vehicles

Conditions shall be described precisely:

• 'Technical' means confused and scary

• 'Chunky Monkey' means messy but manageable

• 'Puckery' means you should have brought the stable ski

• 'Growler' means big enough to get respect

• 'Class Fun' means perfect for everyone

Session recording protocol:

• GPS tracks must be shared (after appropriate editing)

• Photos must show good wave height perspective

• Strava kudos must be distributed equally

• Epic conditions must be photographed

• Bad conditions need no evidence

When encountering waves:

• Runners must be respected and not wasted

• Linking waves is an art form worthy of respect

• A good hole must not be squandered

• Wallowing is acceptable only if no one's watching

• One PHAT Lipp (2 Lipps) shall be celebrated with appropriate reverence

All paddle craft shall be respected:

• Surfski (SS1, SS2, SS3)

• Outrigger (OC1 through OC6)

• Va'a (V1, V2...)

• Dragon Boats

• Even SUPs (though we question their life choices)

Your craft demands respect:

• Hull must be maintained pristine

• Rudder cables tensioned to perfection

• Bailer/venturi kept clear

• String lines clean

• No excess resin shall be tolerated

Wind fetch analysis shall include:

• Multiple weather models

• Local knowledge

• Bird behavior

• Cloud formations

• That one local paddler who's always right

• Your own bitter experience

When witnessing another's swimming ceremony:

• Assist first

• Mock later

• Document discretely

• Share rescue beer

• Embellish story appropriately at coffee

Know your position in the natural order:

• Frother (fully amped paddling enthusiast)

• Wind Whisperer (masters of weather app interpretation)

• Wave Magnet (always finds the best runs)

• Car Park Captain (expert forecaster, rarely paddles)

• Coffee Shop Champion (better at analysis than paddling)

Proper paddling terms shall be used:

• 'Huli' for dignified exits from craft

• 'Pearl' for unplanned nose diving

• 'Brace' for desperate stability attempts

• 'Carnage' for spectacular failures

• 'Church' for perfect conditions

When paddling new waters:

• Seek local knowledge

• Respect local customs

• Learn local terminology

• Buy local paddlers coffee

• Never claim to know better than locals

Your quiver shall include:

• A stable ski for manky days

• A tippy ski for showing off

• A middle ski you actually use

• A classic ski you'll never sell

• A new ski you're hiding from your partner

Acceptable reasons for not paddling: Lightning within 10km, Shark feeding frenzy, Actual hurricanes. Unacceptable reasons:

• Light rain

• Mild wind

• Minor craft warnings

• Social obligations

Perfect your:

• Catch (silent as moonlight on water)

• Power Phase (strong as a whale's tail)

• Exit (clean as a dolphin's leap)

• Recovery (smooth as a pelican's glide)

• Remount (swift as a seal's dive)

Your car shall maintain permanent readiness:

• Roof racks correctly tensioned

• Multiple sets of straps

• Spare paddle hidden somewhere

• Emergency kit current

• Coffee money stashed

Distance shall be measured in:

• Nautical miles (to confuse land-dwellers)

• Lipps (30-second wave rides)

• Coffee stops

• Swims

• Epic moments

When broaching occurs:

• Maintain dignity

• Pretend it was intentional

• Perform recovery with style

• Act like you're testing your rudder

• Avoid eye contact with witnesses

True wind reading involves:

• Checking multiple apps

• Observing water texture

• Watching bird flight patterns

• Consulting local oracles

• Licking your finger and holding it up

After an unplanned water entry:

• Remount with practiced nonchalance

• Adjust PFD as if checking fit

• Scan horizon pretending to check conditions

• Make casual comment about water temperature

• Immediately plan more challenging run to restore dignity

When drafting:

• Request permission or await invitation

• Take your turn at the front

• Never be labeled WRS (Wash Riding Scum)

• Share the work in a pack

• Accept that karma applies to wash riding

Storage hierarchy shall be observed:

• Temperature-controlled garage (optimal)

• Spare bedroom (relationship permitting)

• Living room wall mount (singles only)

• Under house (with adequate protection)

• Never where neighbors can judge your addiction

Honor all paddling traditions:

• Hawaiian: 'Aloha' spirit always

• South African: 'Lekker' conditions appreciation

• Australian: 'Yeah, Nah' weather assessment

• Kiwi: Understated excellence

• Universal: Post-paddle coffee requirement

Proper description of water state:

• Glass: Perfect for technique training

• Bumps: Acceptable for beginners

• Technical: Confused and challenging

• Nuclear: Call in sick to work

• Victory at Sea: Notify next of kin

Honor the Barnacles (senior paddlers) for:

• They have seen more conditions than your weather apps

• Their war stories are probably true

• Their technique compensates for deteriorating bodies

• They remember when skis were actually made of wood

• They've forgotten more about paddling than you know

Post-paddle coffee protocols:

• Must be strong enough to float a paddle

• Served in proper ceramic (no plastic)

• Accompanies mandatory condition analysis

• Enables elaborate tale-telling

• Provides excuse for extending paddle socializing

When recounting wildlife encounters:

• Dolphins may become orcas

• Seals become great whites

• Seagulls become albatross

• Floating plastic bags become Portuguese Man-o-War

Your rudder shall be:

• Properly tensioned (no slack)

• Correctly sized for conditions

• Maintained with religious devotion

• Changed according to conditions

Choose your craft according to:

• Conditions (be honest)

• Skill level (be more honest)

• Intended use (be really honest)

• Storage space (be practical)

• Partner's tolerance (be very careful)

When discussing conditions:

• Yeah, Nah = definitely not paddling

• Nah, Yeah = probably paddling

• Yeah, Nah, Yeah = already on the water

• Nah = nuclear conditions, going anyway

• Yeah = conditions are pumping but playing it cool

The sacred sequence shall be:

• 1. Check forecast obsessively

• 2. Message group chat

• 3. Coordinate shuttle

• 4. Forget key piece of gear

• 5. Return home for forgotten gear

• 6. Arrive at launch to find conditions changed

• 7. Paddle anyway

When encountering fellow paddlers:

• Share beta if asked

• Offer assistance if needed

• Exchange knowing nods

• Respect territories

• Share waves when possible

Acceptable topics for endless discussion:

• Rocker profiles

• Hull design theory

• Carbon layup techniques

• Rudder configurations

• Bucket ergonomics

Winter paddlers shall:

• Never admit to being cold

• Refer to hypothermia as 'refreshing'

• Wear shorts in inappropriate conditions

• Claim water's warmer than air

• Maintain superior attitude to summer-only paddlers

Weather app consultation protocol:

• Minimum three apps required

• Local wind guru must be consulted

• Webcams must be checked

• Flagpoles must be observed

• Weather rocks must be considered

For the perfect downwind run:

• Add 30 minutes to estimated time

• Add another 30 for car shuffling

• Add 15 for forgotten gear

• Add 60 for 'one more run'

• Multiply final time by 1.5

In confused seas:

• Maintain connection with craft

• Pretend you meant to go there

• Style out any inadvertent moves

• Call it 'technical training'

• Claim you're working on rough water skills

Avoid kook classification by:

• Never claiming local status unless earned

• Respecting the hierarchy of waves

• Learning local terminology

• Buying appropriate rescue beers

• Maintaining appropriate stoke levels

Accept that:

• Some days you're the wave

• Some days you're the swimmer

• Some days you're the rescue

• Some days you're the story

• Every day you're the student

Endless discussion shall be had regarding:

• Primary vs secondary stability

• Round vs flat hull sections

• High vs low volume

• Long vs short waterline

• Venturi size and placement

Acknowledge these eternal truths:

• Perfect conditions occur during work hours

• Gear breaks before major events

• Best runs happen without cameras

• Epic stories lack witnesses

• Found footage is always unflattering

Paddle time shall be measured in:

• Lipps (wave riding units)

• Coffee intervals

• Tide cycles

• Weather windows

• 'One more run' promises

When encountering a bombora:

• Respect its power

• Observe its behavior

• Share local knowledge

• Never underestimate

• Always have an escape route

When explaining to non-paddlers:

• 'Technical conditions' = scary

• 'Bit bumpy' = terrifying

• 'Good fun' = nearly died

• 'Character building' = survived somehow

• 'Classic day' = epic carnage

Your craft deserves:

• Clean rinsing after each session

• Proper UV protection

• Regular rudder maintenance

• Clean foot well and venturi

• Dignified transportation

Appropriate attire includes:

• PFD worn with pride

• Rashie tan lines maintained sharp

• Technical gear matching craft

• Kit appropriate for conditions

• Post-paddle coffee outfit considered

When performing unplanned exits:

• Execute remount with grace

• Maintain facial expression of mild interest

• Perform equipment check as cover

• Adjust PFD unnecessarily

• Scan horizon thoughtfully

Knowledge sharing hierarchy:

• Safety information: always

• Local hazards: definitely

• Secret spots: selectively

• Perfect runs: carefully

• Epic fail stories: enthusiastically

When encountering runners:

• First on wave has right of way

• No dropping in

• No wave hogging

• Share the good lines

• Respect the locals

Distance claims shall be:

• Measured in nautical miles

• Verified by GPS

• Accompanied by condition report

• Enhanced by coffee stop inclusion

• Never diminished by swim breaks

When a Barnacle speaks of past paddles:

• Listen with respect

• Accept all wave heights as stated

• Acknowledge equipment evolution

• Learn from their experiences

• Honor their battle scars

True Aqualiti respect all craft:

• Surfski for speed

• OC for grace

• Va'a for tradition

• Dragon Boat for power

• SUP for... trying their best

In serious conditions:

• Maintain dignified excitement

• Prepare quietly

• Launch confidently

• Paddle competently

• Celebrate subtly

Post-paddle analysis requires:

• Detailed wave height discussion

• Wind speed debate

• GPS track comparison

• Multiple weather app consultation

• Strategic planning for next session

Progress shall be measured by:

• Catch refinement

• Stroke efficiency

• Brace effectiveness

• Remount speed

• Swim reduction

Appropriate enthusiasm levels:

• Subtle excitement for normal conditions

• Measured stoke for good conditions

• Controlled froth for epic conditions

• Full froth for nuclear conditions

• Zen-like calm when actually terrified

True wind reading involves:

• Flag observation

• Water texture analysis

• Cloud pattern interpretation

• Bird behavior study

• Local legend consultation

Your paddle shall be:

• Correctly sized

• Properly feathered (or not)

• Regularly maintained

• Secretly named

• Treated with reverence

Honor all paddling traditions:

• Hawaiian 'Aloha' spirit

• South African 'Lekker' vibe

• Aussie 'Yeah, Nah' wisdom

• Kiwi understated excellence

• Universal coffee requirement

Early morning paddle protocols:

• Coffee must be pre-prepared

• Gear must be packed night before

• No loud rigging noises

• Minimal pre-launch conversation

• Maximum sunrise appreciation

Your fleet shall include:

• The Training Ski (stable & reliable)

• The Race Ski (tippy & fast)

• The Bad Conditions Ski (bombproof)

• The 'Project' Ski (eternal restoration)

• The Secret New Ski (hidden from partner)

Conditions shall be properly described:

• 'Cooking' = perfect downwind

• 'Victory at Sea' = survival conditions

• 'Glass' = time for technique work

• 'Duck Farts' = shamefully flat

• 'Liquid Himalayas' = time to call in sick

Car shuffle wisdom includes:

• Always have spare car key

• Never trust shuttle timing estimates

• Account for 'one more run' syndrome

• Accept shuttle karma

• Remember: The wind waits for no one

TOW (Time on Water) priorities:

• Supersedes social obligations

• Trumps sleep requirements

• Outranks work meetings

• Dominates weekend plans

• Equals happiness

Proper use of terms marks the true Aqualitor:

• 'Broaching' not 'turning sideways'

• 'Pearl' not 'nose dive'

• 'Huli' not 'falling in'

• 'Technical' not 'terrifying'

• 'Challenging' not 'completely out of control'

Understanding fetch requires:

• Wind direction knowledge

• Distance calculation

• Geographical awareness

• Historical perspective

• Multiple weather model consultation

Remount mastery includes:

• Side saddle with style

• Cowboy with grace

• Speed with dignity

• Recovery with poise

• Story with humor

Wave rights hierarchy:

• 1. Local legends

• 2. Visiting pros

• 3. Regular paddlers

• 4. Occasional paddlers

• 5. Those still practicing remounts

Post-epic paddle requirements:

• Immediate craft cleaning

• Gear maintenance

• Injury assessment

• Story compilation

• Coffee consumption

Priority scheduling shall be:

• 1. Epic conditions (drop everything)

• 2. Regular paddle sessions (negotiable)

• 3. Work commitments (unfortunately necessary)

• 4. Social obligations (highly flexible)

• 5. Sleep (optional during good conditions)

True Aqualiti leave no trace:

• Pack in, pack out

• No gel wrappers in the ocean

• Respect wildlife encounters

• Clean up others' mistakes

• Share environmental knowledge

Knowledge transfer requirements:

• Welcome newcomers

• Share safety wisdom

• Maintain traditions

• Tell true stories

• Pass on The Rules

Group paddle etiquette:

• Match pace appropriately

• Share navigation duties

• Take turn as wind block

• Warn of approaching hazards

• Support all swim recoveries

Annual paddling calendar:

• Winter: Claim it's character building

• Spring: Prepare for season

• Summer: Maximize water time

• Autumn: Chase final runs

• Year-round: Check weather apps

Your paddle-mobile shall:

• Have permanent roof racks

• Contain emergency paddle gear

• House multiple weather accessories

• Stock spare change for coffee

• Never be fully cleaned of sand

Paddle sessions shall be rated by:

• Number of Lipps achieved

• Quality of waves linked

• Epic moments witnessed

• Swims survived

• Coffee quality consumed

Appropriate attire hierarchy:

• 1. Technical gear that works

• 2. Technical gear that matches

• 3. Technical gear with team logos

• 4. Technical gear with race credentials

• 5. Whatever's still dry from yesterday

During wind holds:

• Check apps obsessively

• Maintain craft readiness

• Perfect weather theories

• Practice knots unnecessarily

• Tell increasingly elaborate past condition stories

Accept these constants:

• Best conditions occur during meetings

• Perfect waves happen when camera's flat

• Epic runs occur with no witnesses

• Gear fails before major events

• Coffee machine breaks post-epic paddle

Story enhancement guidelines:

• Wave height increases 10% per telling

• Wind speed gains 5 knots per beer

• Distance grows 1 nautical mile per week

• Shark size doubles per month

• Rescue heroics improve with age

Annual events shall include:

• The Season Opening Ceremony

• The Midwinter Madness Paddle

• The Full Moon Night Run

• The Dawn Patrol Classic

• The Year-End Epic

Acceptance of progression:

• Every ski was once perfect

• Every paddle was once ideal

• Every PFD was once comfortable

• Every technique was once correct

• Until the next upgrade arrives

Universal truths of conditions:

• Perfect when you're busy

• Flat when you're free

• Nuclear when you're injured

• Epic when gear's broken

• Ideal when you're interstate

The true Aqualitor knows:

• The ocean always wins

• The wind rarely cooperates

• The forecast usually lies

• The coffee never fails

• The stoke never dies